I’ve often heard men say that women are crazy, usually for relationship reasons and other otherworldly realms that men can never understand. I myself often seen some erratic behavior in girlfriends of mine as well as myself…so in a sense, I can relate. However, I’m beginning to wonder if any of these women were in the clenches of what I’ve recently discovered as an unspoken emotionally altering factor – birth control.
For years I refused to do it, an interesting perspective considering my love of intoxication, carelessness and frankly, easy solutions. There is something soul shaking to me about messing with my hormones. I’m an over analytical artistic type with too much to say a without induction, augmentation might just take it to the threshold of insanity. Even holding that belief firm, I went on a recent trip to the gyno and she urged I give it a shot to regulate my cycle. I recently moved in with 2 doctors, one of which heavily influenced my decision with his advice by telling me that “medically there’s no reason to have a period, why not let it be regulated and not worry during sex.” If the doctor says so…
I gave it a shot. Like most things I intuitively have firm instincts against, the story panned out like a week long mini-series. I took a generic called Lutera which wasn’t what was prescribed to me but referred to by the pharmacist “basically the same thing.” I fucked up by not reading up on it more before starting but like many things, I trusted the doctor and pharmacist blindly. The pill didn’t effect me for the first few days but on day 3 things began to get ugly. Yes, I do take this all with a grain of salt because I know hormones have different effects on different women but this was frankly just eye opening. I’m extremely active – both physically through exercise and via work & leisure endeavors so any hindrance to my productivity is noticeable. I felt the most exhausted I have in years with little effort exerted on my part. I was also trying to understand the “birth control makes you fat” stigma and I think I landed it – your appetite becomes raging. Recently losing some weight my eating habits were at a great place, a few days in all I felt myself craving was pizza and fried food. It’s like pre-period torture the entire time. My final straw with it came when I found myself incredibly moody, snapping with no bounds. I thought to myself…this is no way to live life, what is the point. I began to research the drug and found that many other women had the same exact side effects, some even more crippling to the point of suicidal thoughts and severe depression. I could relate, in the 7 days I made it on the drug I felt nothing inside and began to fall into this numb, hazed stasis depression. The dim lightbulb in my mind clicked on — hormones are not to be fucked with. It got me also thinking, is it possible that so many women who men wrote off as “crazy” or “irrational” just victims of the hormones we manipulate? As sexually freeing and socially liberating birth control can be, is it worth the loss of mind and control of emotion?
Women constantly need to balance reality with the repercussions of these trials. Our bodies are constant test tubes and so often we accept the poison in an effort to evade nature’s course. I’m sure this is a limited reaction to something that works marvelously for other women a majority of the time but for me, I’ll remain hormone free. I was trying to describe my reaction to a girl friend of mine over the phone and she immediately declared, “Jesus, I might be a whole other person off birth control you’re describing me everyday.” I’ll definitely view female behavior differently from this situation as well, you never know what internal clusterfuck can be affecting the someone daily.
You live, you learn.