Halloween, or more affectionately deemed “HO-lloween” by realistic ladies like myself on this earth, has definitely taken a pretty sharp turn into heavy dbag territory. As a kid we affectionately looked forward to the spooky elements of Halloween, delighting in the prospect of procuring donated candy that could potentially be poisoned (as the radical 80’s showed us) and dressing up in costumes that projected elements of our personalities that we could never consciously bear any other time of year. I’ve found that these days, we have all come to grips with the fact that Halloween offers ladies the opportunity to not only stuff our faces with chocolate but is an opportune time to embrace the inner trick within us all. There are so few free passes, this lends an open opportunity to go absolutely ape shit and don whatever version of “ho” you want to take on. The feminist in me might scoff at this in a certain light but I have to admit I can understand the appeal because it is a rare occasion that you can publicly wear so little clothing without a second thought and frankly, most people pull it off looking hot enough. Upon my last visit to the Halloween store while seeking out my own trick inspired costume (which ended up being PocaHOntas ironically) I realized what a hilariously shitty variety of costumes there were available. What glorious dick thinks of these clever bro-worthy costume names? Furthermore, when did Halloween become one massive, universal frat party? Hilarity ensues left and right…here are some highlights:
“Super Sperm” – the genuine shithead that wears this XL jizz bag with pride is a rare breed. Only a TRUE bro would find this hysterical, it almost begs for a vocal component that loops a myriad of bro endorsed slogans like “dude, I’m gunna get some bitch pregnant wearing this.” This could only be topped by a nut sack costume, that would take balls to a whole other level.
“Tap This Keg Dress” – nothing says sorority slut gone wild like this costume. Why anyone would want to dress as a lifeless device that free-flows cheap liquid courage to college kids is beyond me. It’s a short, ass bearing duct tape-esque mini dress coupled with what looks like a plunger with a house atop the head. This ho will need to take that wizard hat off whilst fulfilling her immediate destiny of drunkenly blowing half the frat house. All I can think here is “daddy’s little angel”…poor papi.
“Sexy Green Crayon” – This one particularly blew my mind. I don’t know one grown woman who thinks to themselves “damn, was really looking forward to being a crayon this year.” This is the type of costume that gives a mom a means to slut it out with the pretense of wholesomeness. The irony is crayons melt in heat…given the spiciness of this pathetic number, things could be meltdown city. I’d sooner go as a stereotypical slutty french maid than even entertain this costume. I try not to judge but there is no room in my mind for a crayon fetish, better things to fantasize about.
“Breathalyzer” – I mean, come the fuck on. Asinine, insulting almost. Are you that small minded, dim witted that your #1 costume choice is the legal gauge of drunkenness? To get into this thing you need to heavily exceed any level of drunkenness a breathalyzer could legally pass. Cool story bro.
“Whimsical Scarecrow” – I truly want to meet the person who feels sexy in this Wizard of Oz inspired whore outfit. Is it the nostalgia for the movie that makes this hot? Love of straw? That whole scarecrow/lack of brain connect makes much more sense when looking at something like this…if you’re looking to cash in your ho chip, use it on something way more compelling than this PG-13 disgrace.
“Seymour Bush” & “Howie Feltersnatch” – Does it really get cornier than this? Sleazy doctor, douchey model…all the makings of bad morning after regret fest.
ENJOY HALLOWEEN KIDS – CONDOMS ARE GOOD.