Pretty noose, how do you loosen the rope?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, two really awesome days AND…repeat. Some days life almost feels like a definite exercise in patience and perseverance. I remember being younger and thinking that time was standing still, wishing it would move itself along quicker. These days time almost stands still at an accelerated pace. Some days feel reminiscent of Groundhog Day, living in a repeated story. Every new year I reevaluate where the place I’m coming from is and frankly this year I’ve pinpointed one fatal flaw within, I can’t find that center anymore. I used to revel in debauchery, thrill seeking in any open corner of my life. Somewhere in the transition out of badgirlville I fell like I have lost a piece of myself. The hardest thing to decipher is whether or not the flame is temporarily fanning down or if its extinguished, the latter meaning I have some serious things to think about and act on. Isn’t it funny that mental health isn’t viewed as requisite for living well by insurance, yet the force of our mental and emotional well being governs all? Getting right in the mind is a daily battle for some, if not most “normal” people.

When I find myself at hungover after a night of partying I always think, “why did I go out last night?” Clearly I’m a broad who loves a good time but life is about so much more than music, drinking, socializing and dancing. In the cyclical haze of instant gratification I keep finding myself feeling empty at the end of day. Not in a dramatic emo way, but there’s that gap present that constantly leads me down the road of “things need to change” at least once a month. To be clear, by no means am I on a downward spiral, I keep myself in line and work like a beast. However I just can’t help but think about the strides I could be making if I spent less time emotionally and mentally obsessing and medicating. Lifelong battle for me, is this sickness or just living?  Am I just exceptionally attuned to every nuance? Some days I’m not even sure what I feel. Creativity has been my therapist for years, allowing me freedom to express whatever, whenever and however I want to. How do you recapture your motivation when your creativity feels stifled? There’s no guide or map to tell you how far down rock bottom goes. The only way to truly connect on that level is to step back with clear heart and mind and recognize that this is a real, semi-concrete  feeling within you.

To be honest, feelings are very scary things. They supersede logic, evoke behavior we would otherwise not take on and I’ve found that facing them can be taxing on even the strongest people. The funny thing about feelings is it takes some time to come into them, hit that self-awareness. It becomes essential as time goes on for you to look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say “I feel this way and it fucking sucks/is amazing” then take on the real responsibility of shifting that feeling. It’s so much easier to be irresponsible and careless with your heart than to face it head on. I’ve heard that responsibility makes life meaningful, but it really takes so much discipline. I’ve skated by so long without coming to terms with my feelings about a variety of things and only now have I realized that it might have been a detriment to me. I was so overcome with thought that I had to begin writing the minute I got up like a fucking maniac. Life is funny like that, one day you’re ready to prep the noose, other days you’re ready to loosen it’s grip. Get right in the head for 2013 & get motivated.


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