You better recognize forever

Games, we all play them. The problem with playing them in your personal life is there will always be a loser. I’ve become so attuned to games I often opt bench over fighting a useless battle. Some would write this off as cynicism, I call it strategy. I’m frankly at a stage of my life where I’ve tried every “sport” and put in my A effort across the board. When I care, I obsess. When I don’t, detachment and abandon swoop in with a quickness. It’s probably a common sentiment, yet I constantly find myself questioning if there is more to the evident grey scale that plagues life. Do I give up the game too easily? Is there anything I’m overlooking? As I walk into 2013 I look into the eyes of reality with much more appreciation for its humor. Also when I go into battle, I go  in to win.

You choose to play the game, it doesn’t choose you. Every action, reaction, lack of action is sewn into what ultimately is the outcome. I used to enjoy the torture of the unknown, the frightening artistry of playing the game but now I just find it predictable. Disarray and uncertainty has surprisingly become slightly boring to me. In the throes of even the most intense situation I can identify the nemesis and even if I can’t face them, knowledge is  power. Someone recently told me “ask for what you want, if you don’t get it move on.” So simple, yet so solid. It’s a mantra for daily life that any breathing human can relate to.

And yet the other day I found myself in the playoffs, possibly facing pure chaos in the face. I’ve always known the power of my anger and been afraid of it. Someone once joked with me that Filipinos are a passionate people, “hot blooded” was the actual term they used. There is some truth to that statement and the proof is in the battle. Nothing boils my blood more than disrespect whether it be to me, someone I love or the innocent. Most people can consciously detach but sadly I haven’t developed that mechanism yet. No matter how long I play this fucktart game of life, I can’t seem to grow out of my anger. You can feed the beast, sedate it or give into its rage. Most of the time I’m able to keep it at bay but the minute you give in a feeling of disappointing satisfaction rushes over me. Why? I’m calm 99% of the time and can diffuse most situations before escalation. The problem is I, like most of us, lack self control at times. In the midst of the madness the other night there were so many opportunities for me to quickly walk away. Instead I chased the dragon not for a concrete outcome, but to feed my own need to validate my hurt and anger. This may be one of my fatal flaws in life but I can pinpoint exactly why I do this, it was something ingrained in me since childhood. Fight until you can’t fight no more. Erasing that or finding a way to recognize the battles I should roll with has been a huge challenge. Often the simple stupidity of society, mini-crisises like a worker messing up my order or someone cutting me off can throw me into tantrum mode. I’m trying to recognize forever and certainly don’t want to die of a heart attack any time soon…shit if I’m going down that way better be mid coital bliss or eating a succulent steak. Choose your plays wisely, navigating life’s curveballs in serenity is a necessity for sanity.

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