It took me a good 20 years to realize the depths of my madness. When you lace in substances like alcohol and temporary highs like hot dudes and living fast, it’s easy to underestimate how mixed up priorities can be. After a crazy week of every vice and virtue I have being amplified, I can’t help but reflect on reality. There are multiple relationships in our life that demand our attention and energy. Whether it be with an actual person or situation within our life, it’s necessary to prioritize on a daily basis. When I was younger this was definitely one of the hardest things for me to do without being stunted. I can remember feeling so deeply about even the most minuscule of details, allowing every setback to affect me. Over the past few months I’ve been on an honest mission of self discovery – why do I perpetuate situations, how can I steer my course in a less painful direction and most importantly, how can I elevate myself to the next phase of life in a positive, productive manner. What I’ve come to realize is my addiction to temporary highs and fly-by validating moments is a fatal flaw in my character. I feel this is something many of us experience without even identifying it fully. Recently I decided to go to a shrink to honestly self-evaluate and find new coping mechanisms for the strife I’ve been experiencing at this time in life. What I’ve discovered is I am addicted to heartbreak. Equipped with that knowledge, I really began to think about why exactly I would be enamored with such a negative feeling. Is it self loathing, a reflection of what I knew as comfortable at a young age? Or is it a need to anticipate failure before success has any chance at all? I used to think it was my artistic side manifesting itself, seeking out content. After all, there is no pain greater than loss and heartbreak and the resulting product is always genuine and real. At this point I realize I’m just frankly making excuses for my negative attitude and neglecting an opportunity to outsource abundant positivity waiting to be had. Like most of us, I am my own worst critic. I obsess and think about things to a sickening point, often smiling the whole painful way through. Despite my spitfire mouth, I have a huge problem truly saying what I want to when there is a potential for rejection and backlash. As with everything, when you genuinely care it’s hardest to face what’s real. My honesty has been cloaked in self-loathing humor and it makes me realize why so many brilliant comedians eventually go mad. It’s a band aid for facing real emotions.
Part of my quest has been trying to for lack of better description, learn how to cut the shit. Addiction to heartbreak and sadness will never result in anything positive, ever. I had a dude once tell me “I believe you can die from heartbreak, that shit is real.” He was definitely a tough character and his words stuck with me because even a bad bitch like myself is rooted in deep sensibility. Once you detach feeling and purity, shit gets dark. I’ve seen every situation under the sun play out around me and just when you think you’ve seen it all, something more corrupt blows it out of the park. Life is really fucking scary, that gamble is hard and taking a true chance, really laying it out on the line in every aspect of living, is one of the hardest things to do. I love talking to my girlfriends about situations in their lives and seeing how ballsy they are compared to me. Cue in my manic over thought and acting on impulse becomes absolutely impossible. I’ve often attributed it to my Scorpio-ness but that reeks of bullshit too, bottom line is I’ve kind of lived my life as a pussy in some aspects. It’s starting to come to light that my lack of honesty in communication is a reflection of my emotional weakness. Will any of us ever be emotional heavyweights? Probably not but one thing is certain – the happiest people I know are never afraid of true, intimate expression and taking bold risks. My shrink told me I had a “fear of intimacy” and at first I was like, nah can’t be true I love digging in with people. The more I let that concept marinate, the more I realized how true it was in many different aspects of my life. I’ve asserted in the past how important truly personal relationships are to me, yet have self-sabotaged the potential for them on multiple occasions. For someone so addicted to feeling pain, it has become my default emotion. I have been swimming in a vat of my own emotional bullshit instead of definitively reforming my thought. It’s a lot of Psych 101 but when that revelation clicks, it clicks hard.
Say what you want, mean what you say and never look back.
PUPPIES & KITTIES