Everyone is always telling me to slow the fuck down but since my loud mini-corpse popped out of my momma’s hymen all I have ever wanted is to be on the go. Not that I don’t enjoy a little down time, but with my list of ambitions mounting it become harder and harder to justify wasting time. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve sacrificed my health, both physical and mental, in the name of productivity. Without a doubt, lets just say there have been some losses, particularly of liver capacity and brain cells. I look to friends who are married and have kids and am absolutely in awe of their continued energy through career and family, nothing requires more attention than a screaming, hungry mouth. Without health your capabilities are reduced and challenged and I certainly need every ounce of advantage I can get.
The funny thing about getting older is no matter who you are and how you have led your life DNA has a way of fucking you. You can be skinny and fit and drop dead of a heart attack at 35 or fat and unhealthy, yet live sloppily until 80. You just never truly can know. Life has a way of sending us some signals through our health, whether it be mental or physical. Until I reintroduced myself to psychological care I was reluctant to admit the adverse effects my mental and emotional state was having in my health. As a good friend of mine once said, exhaustion wins. I have to admit that I’m fucking exhausted. A huge part of my career is going out late and waking up early. While most are home kickin back watching TV and sipping Chardonnay, I’m out watching shows, shaking hands and probing for new opportunity. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade it for the world but mentally and physically it can wear you down to the bone. The other night it all caught up with me in the oddest way. After a long day of radio work, client interfacing, phone calls, commuting through shit smeared streets and everything in between, I experienced my first severe migraine.
Frighteningly, it didn’t come as a headache at first but as an extended series of visual impairments that freaked me out. Losing my vision is a huge fear and I can recall a specific fatal incident with a close friend that began with vision loss and spiraled into death. That’s the thing about life, it’s hard and we bitch endlessly but when it’s gone we can see the beautiful moments so much clearer. This blur lasted a good 20 minutes but for me it felt like an eternity. Not taking any chances I went to the clinic right away and they quickly diagnosed, “either your eyes are fucked or it’s a migraine.” Shortly after I left a shooting pain hit my head and the back of my neck and lasted for hours, the only solace was sitting quietly in the dark. All I could ponder was why this, why now? I don’t know why that migraine decided to hit me for the first time at the age of 29 but I saw it as a sign. A sign that I need to slow it the fuck down, smell the roses and not take me health for granted. I thought for hours about losing my sight and it scared me. Not being able to look into someone’s eyes, navigate without assistance or even comb my nappy hair and laugh at it. It made me really count my blessings because you always have to realize that it could always be worse and lost at any minute. Hopefully my cabeza will treat me well and this won’t develop into a bigger issue but I will certainly be taking some additional time to rest, chill and immerse myself in the still waters life has me sitting in.
AYEEEEE COMO ME DUELE