A girlfriend told me the other day that I was picky and I refused to believe that I was a fickle soul. Once I let the thought roll over me I realized fuck yeah, I am picky as hell. My argument though, is why shouldn’t I be? Like millions of other people I have loved and been burned hard. I’ve been strung along for years, liked someone who was “uninterested in a girlfriend” yet miraculously found one shortly after me and been involved with some way suspect people in my day. I’ve tried to remain unscathed, keeping optimism at a high for something pure, real and organic but truly, I am admittedly fucked up. Sometimes I feel like damaged goods, possessing an inability to feel anything real for anyone at all but I am sure everyone has their time in this personal prison. I wonder if literally it is just me sometimes or if I’m just a mild variant of how intense it can really get. Coldness has never been my bag but after dealing with picking my heart off of the floor time and time again, I wonder what the point of caring intensely is. After reading “The Secret” I couldn’t help but focus thoughts about the “laws of attraction.” When I’ve cared deeply, I’ve attracted misery. When I don’t give two fucks, I attract fun. Maybe this is a psycho way to gauge the state of my well being and future but there is just no point in overly caring or obsessing about anything or anyone. I’ve had tears that no one was present to dry and this kind of lifestyle undoubtedly makes you hard as a motherfucker. People constantly rolling up on your shit, phoniness behind pretty veils and a lot of intoxicants – perfect formula for calloused disaster. I wake up every day and smile through it all, not only is it liberating to let go of that control but it is strengthening. To survive and grow, you have to possess the heart of a lion.
The truth is this transcends my love life, it encompasses is my entire life. Only the strong survive and no matter how much I try to live in the median I am a glutton for extremes. Maybe it’s getting older, maybe it’s learning from past failures but I think my new thing in life is to not give a fuck. The outcome will inevitably be the same. The stress I’ve imposed on myself over the stupidest details is almost humorous to me now. Pining over select words and actions of people who are no longer present in my life just seems senseless now. What I have learned over the last few years is that none of this matters, one day we will all leave this earth and the only person you’ll go with is yourself. Maybe I’ve watched too much ID network, but it does seem that given human nature, anything can go wrong at any opportune time. Taking it one day at a time and recognizing my own negative patterns, it becomes easier to disconnect from the ideals of what I thought life would be like. It’s a liberating feeling to not give a fuck about anything, one I am presently reveling in, until something or someone comes along to tear it all down 🙂