When I was 13 years old, 30 seemed like such a definite time stamp. I envisioned ultimate career success, a loving successful relationship and of course, a brat or two with hints of my slanty eyes. The day is less than a month away and my kingdom couldn’t be any more humble. Definition is a unicorn, as Cave In once lamented, “dying for a yes or no, life is filled with maybe so.” That’s reality amigo, for almost everyone. I’ve been a busy bee lately, posts have been sparse so forgive me for condensing the story of my last month into one post. Fittingly, most of the life lessons I have cracked this month all have a common thread – expectation management. As life and time wages on, setting aside your ideals and embracing what actually CAN be done without compromising you integrity is key. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade (with vodka of course) and throw the rinds to the compost. Nothing should ever go to waste – literally and emotionally speaking.
In the beginning of September I took a trip to LA that was a necessary venture. For years I have toyed with the idea of moving out to the west coast because in theory, it’s amazing. I get to marinate in sun every day, dress as scantily as I desire and spend my days in a region where a smoke filled haze is universally accepted. After being a stressed out “New Yorker” for all my life it seemed like a paradise. Between relaxing and downing ‘Ka like it was going out of style, I realized how actually stressed I was from my daily life. Never a free alone moment, with every action and future plan accounted for – flexibility seems so out of reach. A few days into the trip and some weirdo encounters later, I began to genuinely miss New York City’s signature angry, yet productive buzz. I missed being angry and certainly meant it. The whole experience was aesthetically beautiful, almost like a dream at times, but there is no place like the dirty, irate home I know.
Shortly after my return from LA, I was able to attend one of Metallica’s most epic shows – Live at the Appollo for SiruisXM. Not only did this show pop my Metallica cherry but I can confidently say that it was one of the most well played & orchestrated shows I have seen in years. It becomes so much easier over time to crucify our teen idols, rather than step into their shoes. Metallica were my gauge growing up, one of the first bands to take a wild girl who grew up in a predominantly hood area, into a new musical world. I remember going camping my freshman year of high school and blasting “One” over and over. Every high, every low – I would mimic Hetfield’s signature grunt-sing to death. Of course as years rolled on and their career entered “interesting” places, my love wavered. Recently my adoration has resurfaced, with a new level of maturity, nostalgia and musical scrutiny that confirms 15 years later that they still have some KILLER songs.
On the human side, I recently had two people both from different dimensions of my wacko life, dish me the same dating diagnosis. With absolute ease they both cited my core issue as “meeting the wrong people and having intimacy issues.” Intimacy issues…
I guess I never thought of myself as one of “those people.” I’ve never had a problem creeping in on a prospective babe, in fact I usually pride myself as someone willing to throw the dice and see what happens when I’m attracted to someone. The more the concept of pure, non-sexually driven intimacy tossed around my mind, it began to hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it’s true? If others can pinpoint that in me there has to be some air of truth to it. How did I get here? I used to be the girl who wrote handwritten poems, held my boyfriends’ hand everywhere we went, forked over hours of personal time to spend it with someone else. The value of TRUE love and connection was so precious, deep and real to me I would sacrifice anything and everything to keep it it safe. One major breakup and several failed mini “relationship type things” later I have an admittedly high level of skepticism. The deeper I look into the issue, my fear of intimacy is founded on a deep distrust of intentions because you live, you learn as they say. I find it much easier to act on impulse, ride the wave of instant gratification and dispose of the trash and feelings the minute a red flag arises. True emotional “intimacy” this cannot thrive in that environment, the best fuck anyone can give you is a mind fuck. So I guess yeah, perhaps intimacy is one of my greatest fears but your emotions should never be dished out for cheap. I don’t want to invest my all in the love of the week, month, or even year – I want someone for a lifetime or not at all. Perhaps another reason I fear intimacy is because I have found that few people are prepared to really live on that level – to commit, to consume, to let go of bad habits and be 100% real. It may sound crazy but my distrust of the level of commitment of others makes me fear commitment period and intimacy in turn. This is possibly something I’ll be dealing with my whole life because I’m too all or nothing to fall in some bullshit territory in-between. It’s a Scorpio curse for sure, but after awhile you become comfortable with the idea of your world existing in fulfillment without having another real “love.” Finding your own honesty and intimacy is one of the greatest challenges of life. You can’t be oblivious to your deficiencies though, it’s the true definition of madness, repeating the same action and expecting a different result. Guess I’ll have to leap into my 30’s with some walls down and give closeness a chance, after all nothing is permanent and it’s all a gamble anyway 😉
Also, I fell in love with this song & band over the last month. Amazing.