Issues of the busty kind

It’s hard for me to remember a time when I did not have boobs. As early as 12 there were signs that D land was bountifully on the horizon. Some days they’re a blessing but mostly an odd curse. I often wonder if the grass is greener on the other side and almost can’t believe people  pay for these things! They are pretty eye catching though and as you know, we all like shiny buoyant things.

Having big boobs is a life test. The condition of them existing can teach you a few lessons about intentions, manipulation and method. Here are a few key things I have learned sportin’ these bitches…

The tetas are liable to slip out at any moment, you must always proceed with caution

There was one particular trip to the beach with a fellow well-endowed chica of mine where a behemoth wave took a few of us down and she emerged half topless. Totally un-phased she continued to talk, tit out. I was truly amazed that she didn’t realize we were all getting a front-and-center view of her nips until I blurted “your tits out asshole.” They need to be confined, coddled and secured – if you have them, make sure you keep them harnessed in an appropriate fashion at all times.

Everything you wear will have sexual spin

I’ve often joked that I could wear a burlap sack and make it sexual. Maybe its our animal roots but anytime the D’s slip into an outfit you can see what is and is not being accentuated. Those cute little crop tops? Consider them a foe, since half the top is begin used just cover basic surface area. The one benefit is when you find a piece of clothing that fits perfectly, it will hug every curve + prop up the top half – I like to call it “the unicorn.” Murder outfits, every girl needs one.

You can own a room with one body reveal

The best investment a woman can make is in her health and body. Few outfits look amazing on a shitty figure, period. I actually get fired up when people flip out about “body equality, loving a bigger woman etc…” because YES we all have different figures, but bottom line is we feel/are our best when we are looking good, not conscious of our bodies and in decent shape/health. When did embracing obesity under the guise of “acceptance” become a thing? People cunting about “sensitivity” didn’t grow up in a home where their parents kept it real because in an immigrant household your parents would immediately let you know “you look fat, lose some fucking weight.”

Bottom line, taking the time out of your life to commit to your body is priceless both physically and emotionally. Why do I say this? Because for years I fed off the same excuses for not taking care of my body, not to say everyone should be the same size obviously but health is #1 and when I finally pushed myself to take care of it everything changed. Getting in shape is A LOT of fucking work but it should be one of the most important things in your life because if you look good, you feel good.

Piggybacking off of that – if you’re looking right, feeling confident + have the chesticles in place, the world is your oyster. Have a brain? World domination is imminent.

You learn + come to accept inappropriate comments as a norm

If I had a dollar for every “tits” centered joke, comment and conversation heard throughout my lifetime I’d be Scrooge McDuckin’ daily. Sometimes if comments are uttered from a babe it’s flattering (that FINE line between acceptable + creepy is if I find you attractive or not) but I’ve had some of the most inappropriate conversations on multiple levels about my boobs. No sense in battling the beast, you garner a really rich sense of humor learning how to diffuse those convos.

(The D’s, in their C + stage circa ’06)

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On the other tip, I wish some well endowed guy would list out the peril of having a big dick. They approach assessment of their junk with such a focused fascination, it’s almost endearing. “Dude, we measured it…HARD…I’m 7 plus bro!” Crocodile tears man, I imagine a list looking something like this:

Need for Magnums

God, my dick is so big I can’t stuff it into conventional protection. (Side note: my eyes have lit up like Christmas at the sight of that gold wrapper, like hitting the jackpot every time!)

Can’t wear tight pants without excessive bulge

Be a man, wear pants made for men not teenage girls.

Chicks can’t get with it, they always say “it hurts”

Bang some bigger hoes? Learn how to use that thing instead of going in jackhammer style?

(BAE)

Brandine_and_Cletus

I’m out of control, here’s to bigger is better 😉

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