“My babe curve is steep” – What you can learn from having attractive girl friends

When you hear a conceited phrase like “my babe curve is steep” fall out of someone’s mind, you have to really take a step back and look at that person’s confidence level. Maybe they really think their dick is made of gold or supermodels who moonlight as brain surgeons are lining up to be with them. Most likely though, they’re pondering the babe curve in their bed alone while the less pretentious are busy getting it in. The immense ego and privilege behind words like those can only be in turn validated by an equal “babe of all babes.” Rarely does the one who spews such bile, live up to the ideal. People are constantly telling me “you meet the wrong guys/people/etc” but I truly meet one of the most diverse mixes of people and let me tell you, assholes are everywhere. People are only as faithful as their options and boy do the creepers come in with a vengeance some days. I received a message the other morning from some random guy I met at a bar years ago who happened to be a musician. My words can’t replace the gems this dude defecated so check it out for yourself:

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This is a typical day in my life, men lusting after my “hot” friends and subsequently creeping on them or dropping hints until I validate their thoughts. I’ll have a girlfriend ask me who someone is only to find out that dude blind followed or friend requested by creeping through my channels. Listen, we all roll the dice and I’ve been known to jump out of my league many a time but thirst is noticeable. Not only is it noticeable, it’s often insulting and cheap – no one feels flattered by a cheap approach. Here are a few thangs I’ve learned from watching dudes try their hand at my amigas:

People will manipulate to any degree to get what they want even if it’s apparently not there

If my girlfriend wanted you, you would know. No amount of words and attempts will manipulate that, people say women are delusional! I’ve seen men believe insane things – the truth is we know within minutes most times if we’re willing to give you a chance. Same goes vice versa, so if it’s not there don’t try to force the square peg into the round hole. The “wear you down” approach doesn’t pan out incredibly for most.

Some men are stupid savages

There are rules, especially if you’re targeting a group. You can’t hit on one friend than move to the next, we do speak, ya know. In fact, the guy who tries to pull this move never gets anyone and is often laughed at by the collective. Pick wisely and commit.

The weak minded will identify themselves quickly

Just like an outfit from Rainbow, the cheap unravels quickly. I’m fortunate to have a gaggle of hot friends who actually are also smart, purpose-filled women who can sift through the fools gold. The youth are willing to believe bullshit but after a certain age, whether we expose it or not – we see you.

No one is out of reach (in theory)

A girlfriend of mine said to me blatantly a few years ago, “if you want a 10, you have to be a 10.” That concept transcends aesthetics because drive, compassion and purpose can make someone infinitely sexy. However, know your boundaries. Like shit is straight offensive sometimes. If you’re a 4, don’t shoot for my 10 friend. Greedy fuckers for real, go for someone more moderate who might actually be into you. They then wonder what happened, why it can’t happen for them but it’s simple – aim realistically. Ladies legit get offended when someone who has little to offer them (whatever that may be because it’s different for everyone) goes in. Manage dem expectations.

It’s rare to find women on the level, intelligent and genuinely supporting other women there with pure heart

Without a doubt. I am infinitely thankful to know so many amazing, beautiful and supportive women 🙂

“Music is embarrassing”

Someone I know tweeted that statement years ago and it stuck with me. I’m not talking about the glorified, highlight of your career times but the real nitty gritty. Every artist that has made their way through the circuit has had to rise up the performance ranks which within any region and genre can definitely vary. It’s those humorously embarrassing shows, those you wish you never told anyone you would performing at, that really show you what you’re made of. That’s the funny thing about music – yes, tons of people want to be involved and “love” it but only the strong survive. Only a crazy person would gamble so much with money, time and ambition. I’ve played some amazing shows at breathtaking venues to crowds of people. I’ve also played a mildew filled basement with shoddy equipment, held my breath to filter out the smell of shit and sang my lil heart out. It’s a labor of love and for every glamorous day there are 10 dirt-filled ones. Also what they don’t show you while glorifying sex, drugs and rock n roll, is how difficult it will be to realistically live. Touring in a shitty van at 19 while working at your local cafe on the weekends – acceptable. Working at 7-11 at 35 while letting everyone know that you haven’t given up hope on the “band making it, man” – not so attractive. Reality comes hard especially when it comes to finances because only the young enjoy starving.

Who doesn’t love showing up to a gig and hearing one of the following ego boosting things:

“We’ll move the pool table for you guys to play” (almost everyone has played a venue like this, hysterical every time)

“Can you go on first or last?” (Thanks, I really just felt like playing for the bartender or waiting 3 hours to play to a few drunk people and the bartender)

“You brought 100 people, here’s 50 bucks for the night”(split generously between 4-5 other people)

“We’ve cut your set 10 minutes” (after you’ve driven 300 miles just to play)

It’s enough to make any respectable human analyze their sadistic romance with music. Next tier is the industry, which many musicians inevitably end up a part of. What people forget is that it’s the music BUSINESS and by far one of the most cutthroat environments to be a part of. If you think being a musician is compromising being a part of the business end will take you to that threshold. Few are millionaires and integrity is like a unicorn, the greatest shit show on earth. So why do so many like myself immerse ourselves in this year, after year, after year? It’s what we were born to do. Some people do it for the fame and glory. Few people actually rise to the very top and make a decent dollar from music. For me it’s a constant pursuit of that youthful passion I felt for music growing up. Beyond fascination and heady analysis, music is just something in your blood. The emotional ties to songs, situations, friendships and partnerships created though being part of the music world are irreplaceable. Like every relationship in life, it’s challenging when present but devastating when it’s away. What can I say, we’re all sadistic fucks in love with the pain.

Lemme take you back 10 years to a glimpse of my (FAT, ugh) past…

Shouts to Adam Leota for the pic, unsung photo hero of NJ!

http://www.prophecy21.com

 

Issues of the busty kind

It’s hard for me to remember a time when I did not have boobs. As early as 12 there were signs that D land was bountifully on the horizon. Some days they’re a blessing but mostly an odd curse. I often wonder if the grass is greener on the other side and almost can’t believe people  pay for these things! They are pretty eye catching though and as you know, we all like shiny buoyant things.

Having big boobs is a life test. The condition of them existing can teach you a few lessons about intentions, manipulation and method. Here are a few key things I have learned sportin’ these bitches…

The tetas are liable to slip out at any moment, you must always proceed with caution

There was one particular trip to the beach with a fellow well-endowed chica of mine where a behemoth wave took a few of us down and she emerged half topless. Totally un-phased she continued to talk, tit out. I was truly amazed that she didn’t realize we were all getting a front-and-center view of her nips until I blurted “your tits out asshole.” They need to be confined, coddled and secured – if you have them, make sure you keep them harnessed in an appropriate fashion at all times.

Everything you wear will have sexual spin

I’ve often joked that I could wear a burlap sack and make it sexual. Maybe its our animal roots but anytime the D’s slip into an outfit you can see what is and is not being accentuated. Those cute little crop tops? Consider them a foe, since half the top is begin used just cover basic surface area. The one benefit is when you find a piece of clothing that fits perfectly, it will hug every curve + prop up the top half – I like to call it “the unicorn.” Murder outfits, every girl needs one.

You can own a room with one body reveal

The best investment a woman can make is in her health and body. Few outfits look amazing on a shitty figure, period. I actually get fired up when people flip out about “body equality, loving a bigger woman etc…” because YES we all have different figures, but bottom line is we feel/are our best when we are looking good, not conscious of our bodies and in decent shape/health. When did embracing obesity under the guise of “acceptance” become a thing? People cunting about “sensitivity” didn’t grow up in a home where their parents kept it real because in an immigrant household your parents would immediately let you know “you look fat, lose some fucking weight.”

Bottom line, taking the time out of your life to commit to your body is priceless both physically and emotionally. Why do I say this? Because for years I fed off the same excuses for not taking care of my body, not to say everyone should be the same size obviously but health is #1 and when I finally pushed myself to take care of it everything changed. Getting in shape is A LOT of fucking work but it should be one of the most important things in your life because if you look good, you feel good.

Piggybacking off of that – if you’re looking right, feeling confident + have the chesticles in place, the world is your oyster. Have a brain? World domination is imminent.

You learn + come to accept inappropriate comments as a norm

If I had a dollar for every “tits” centered joke, comment and conversation heard throughout my lifetime I’d be Scrooge McDuckin’ daily. Sometimes if comments are uttered from a babe it’s flattering (that FINE line between acceptable + creepy is if I find you attractive or not) but I’ve had some of the most inappropriate conversations on multiple levels about my boobs. No sense in battling the beast, you garner a really rich sense of humor learning how to diffuse those convos.

(The D’s, in their C + stage circa ’06)

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On the other tip, I wish some well endowed guy would list out the peril of having a big dick. They approach assessment of their junk with such a focused fascination, it’s almost endearing. “Dude, we measured it…HARD…I’m 7 plus bro!” Crocodile tears man, I imagine a list looking something like this:

Need for Magnums

God, my dick is so big I can’t stuff it into conventional protection. (Side note: my eyes have lit up like Christmas at the sight of that gold wrapper, like hitting the jackpot every time!)

Can’t wear tight pants without excessive bulge

Be a man, wear pants made for men not teenage girls.

Chicks can’t get with it, they always say “it hurts”

Bang some bigger hoes? Learn how to use that thing instead of going in jackhammer style?

(BAE)

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I’m out of control, here’s to bigger is better 😉

Mindfulness Over Matter

You ever have a moment in life where you truly believe you might be a little over the top?

Daily actions, reactions and consequences shape who we are, how we will act and subsequently become. Some days I question if I am indeed bat shit crazy and if all the years of happiness, experiences, disappointments and lessons have sculpted this bubbling cannon living underneath my skin. Then I speak to others about experiences in their lives and realize how sane and middle-of-the-road I actually am. Independence and privacy are flagpoles of respect, yet some people can so easily cross that boundary. The true test of how much you value someone else is how far you let them overstep that personal boundary. Sometimes we don’t have much of a choice (irate boss, ranting mom, baby daddy, etc) but most of the time we can set that boundary and adhere to it. People are a lottery of time and place. It’s the luck of the draw.

I’ve only recently discovered through self admission that everyone who reaches a certain age is damaged in one way or another. On the flip side there are also so many people whose strength, maturity and ability to filter out potential anger blows my mind. They develop a keen sense of mindfulness, identifying those factors that create the adversity and negate its power by acceptance. I know this sounds like a heaping load of hippie shit but a friend recently told me I was “so angry” at various things out of my control and it got me thinking about my output into the world. I’m the kind of broad who would rather read a self-help book about spirituality than watch junk-food reality shows. I take my sanity and growth seriously and if others are identifying me as angry, there has to be an air of truth to it. Time to go on a diet and purge that excess weight in my heart. Let’s be real here, anger is a hard emotion not to default to. We’ve all had those days that make it seem like the universe is plotting against us. It’s being mindful of that anger and how it affects you that becomes a task. We tend to cloak anger in injustice, producing reasons for us to sustain those feelings. Perpetuating misery does no one any good. Be mindful of your consumption of all feelings to keep a healthy diet and robust spirit.

Been slaying this mind lube, great perspective:

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#cockinasock – a woman’s digital blessing

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A little over a week ago, a wonderful phenomenon swept over the digital landscape: #cockinasock. We’re well aware that this mild erotica was cloaked in an awareness guise but if entertaining awareness is wrong, I definitely don’t want to be right. Although I spent a bulk of my evening that first night fantastically perusing the virtual meat market, I did learn some key things.

• Men with nice bodies like to show them off – very few willing entrants were out of shape. We thank god that this is the case because NO one needs to see the ones that did not make the cut, leave that to the imagination.

• Women are still dealing with suppression of our sexuality – openness is still something looked upon unfavorably by the opposite sex. The minute we have interest in anything remotely sexual we’re breaking the Madonna oath we all swore into when we were unwillingly born with our private parts. It’s ironic that men can ogle over woman scantily clad, draped upon magazine covers and consider it “classy” yet the minute ladies dive into the male form it is considered taboo. Whatever, to get equality you have to MAKE equality.

• Some men look considerably better naked. For instance, this gem of a bro that I had one of my snoopy girlfriends find the profile of. Trust, he looks better here than in any of his other pics.

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Most days I really hate technology but when I see gold like these arise to my attention, I give it it’s due. Ladies, enjoy that 5 second, 5 minute, or 5 day distraction because it is certainly not anything different than a man would do. We’re all beautiful creatures – god bless the craziness of this world!

Cerebral vs Emotional

It has taken me 30 years to understand the mixed up depth of what exactly going on inside the cavity that carries me but I’m finally getting it down. Things are really fucking complicated inside me. I remember being young and having my mind blown by how unattached to emotion some people could be, when you’re a passion fiend like myself it’s incomprehensible that people would act solely based on logic. See for me, emotion shapes my logic, if you don’t feel it why bother? A few major mistakes in life can probably be attributed to following my heart and not logic. Sue me, I used to believe. Emotion is somewhat of a beautiful anomaly and when you learn that it isn’t always correct or productive, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Achieving that balance of conscious without being crazy is a lifelong struggle for most.

On the flip side (see what I did there), some people let emotions overpower them to the point of lunacy. We’ve all seen drama queens, some in unexpected clothing, bring down someone’s entire world. I’ve definitely had periods of momentary insanity induced by overwhelming emotion. Mostly in my youth because I (like many) was passionate and foolish, but there is almost a high from understanding the depth of your emotion. A high I see way too many people indulging in on a regular basis, they crave that emotional crack. I’m not even talking relationships…when someone is ready to unleash the crazy, it can manifest itself anywhere, at any time.

Riding on the other side of the spectrum is a breed of human I personally cannot comprehend: the waking stone. Driven by selfish motives they are able to forego emotion and manipulate anything to determine the outcome. In some bizarre ways I am actually jealous of these kinds of people and feel I could benefit from being more of a cold hearted bitch. These types will change direction at the drop of a hat for benefit, even betray to get what they desire. They are the prototypical wolf in sheeps clothing and in business they arise frequently. As much as I admire their detachment abilities, I wouldn’t trade my emotional intelligence for the world. Yes, it leaves you susceptible to attack, but even possessing that vulnerability is something not everyone can do.

Moving into a new season, a new time in life, it’s hard not to address life priorities. Does your motivation lie in an emotional or logical place? Are your emotions drawn out by you or the actions/reactions of others? Extremes at either side of the spectrum are dangerous and “long-term” reality is always a day away. Take a crack at the side you least explore and dive in.

5 essential shoes all women must own by their late 20’s

Lady shit, it creeps in with a quickness. Between multitudes of friends getting married, job obligations and other random grown-up clothing occasions, it is inevitable that by 30 you’ll acquire a wide variety of hooves. When I look at the priorities in my life, questing for the perfect shoe comes up a quick third (after music and hot men, duh) and I’m not mad at it. If you’re living in a city you also know the peril of the late night shoe swap. You bring your rattiest flats, stuff them into every inch of your trade-off night purse and get ready to dance in stilettos until those bitches need to make an appearance. Saviors I tell ya, there’s nothing like the feeling of liberation when you throw those things on. By your late 20’s, early 30’s you become realistic about the essentials and recognize that quality trumps quantity any day. It’s all about the time & the place, here are some mainstays in a developing woman’s closet:

1. Converse Chuck Taylor’s and/or a pair of Vans
Both of these brands are a staple in my collection. It’s ludicrous to think about how many pairs I have owned over the years. I find hi-tops to be a perfect alternative to sandals in the summer, one of the few that allows you the option of no socks. Also, one of the few types of sneakers that you can wear with skirts and dresses confidently. Get those calves looking right and let those gams shine.

                                

2. Black stilettos
Anytime there is a black stiletto reference one thing comes to mind: 80’s hooker. A woman’s collection can only benefit from those sassy little torture devices. Invest the 1-3 bennys on a nice leather (or vegan leather for my carrot loving frenz) and get your money’s worth. Timeless style that can interchange with many outfits and getting through an entire night in these things will be your true lady gauge.

3. A black pair of flats
Because you need something to swap out to when you fail at lasting through #2.

4. Heeled boots
The winter has to be one of the most annoying times in footwear. No matter what you do, a sock or stocking will always be there to cockblock your selection. Although sometimes it can look adorable (if you’re going for that Asian ho look as I often do), it truly limits the capability of an outfit to be sexy. A solid heeled boot, preferably one knee length & another pair calf cutoff are lifesavers.

5. Strappy flat sandals
A woman’s feet are a reflection of how seriously she takes her feminine image. Although we all have days where chips occur, keeping your feet polished and pristine should be a big womanly priority year round. Show them off in a stylish yet practical holding vice, a good strappy flat sandal can go a long way in the summer!